i did it

I went to PE. After a whole day of thinking, I went, but only after I realized that I could still miss the park walks and not automatically fail, but that means that I'll have to take 15 pts from my final grade. Now, that's cutting it close. I could ask m/d to take me to BWP, but I hate to do that. I think I will. I don't mind to do that but then I have to get the times right. It's going to be a close call either way. If I go twice, then I'll only be losing 5 pts, I think. That's not bad. I'm willing to get a C if it means I miss the six dates. But that means that I'll have to do perfect on all my other grades. I could get close to perfect, but with the 15 pts gone, will I still get a C?

I deserve to fail because I only decided to go knowing that I could get away, barely away, with not going but still not automatically fail. I don't know if that's good news or not. I should go to at least two. I should ask m/d if I could. I don't think it'll be that bad, but what about other people. Here I go caring more about what other people, who I'll probably never see again, think than about my future. It happens every time. But, I think, with this, I'm willing not to care or to lose face if it gives me grade security. I'm just worried about the pick-up time. I can handle drop-off time. Plus, it gets really dark. That's the scary part. I don't want to be there when it's dark.

I'm just going to have to play this by hear. I need to tell myself that this will be my last semester, and I need to do this to complete my degree. I need to force myself to do this. I can't let my feelings, my lack of friend making capabilities get in the way. I need to do this so I don't have to take it again. I'm sure other people will feel the same, but they just don't show it. I have to think about the big picture. I can't let my anxiety get in the way. I have to learn how to control my emotions and not get into panic mode. I need to be brave. Face my fears. Let it slide. Not take myself too seriously. I can't let every little thing bother me because it will destroy my life. I need to realize that every little whisper, laugh, or look were not directed at me. I need to reiterate that I need a life outside of school. I don't even have a school social life. But I did make great lab partners, and the lecture was not as bad as I thought it would be. That's my problem: I worry too much. Usually, things aren't as bad as I think they would be. But I can't help thinking how bad things are going to turn out. I was wrong. I was wrong about my classes so far. The three are not as bad as I though it was going to be. I actually enjoyed my self in all three although not all the time. I can't think ahead. When I do, I worry in ahead, and that's makes me nervous and anxious. Take deep breaths. Think positive thoughts. If I tell myself, I'm going to enjoy it, I think I will.

I've learnt a lot of life from giving speeches or presentations. I hate it. Talking in front of people alone. That's the life part. You'll have to do this throughout life. I was dead scared about it. I used to worry. Not just about giving presentations, though. Even when I knew it was time for me to have to answer a question, thoughts would race around in my head. I had to be prepared. I had to plan out what I was going to say. Telling myself that it'll pass was what saved me from completely breaking down. Time passes, and it'll have to be over. Usually, the presentations would go by. I got up there and did it. It was over. I survived. Knowing that I won't have to get up again, if I even have to again, was the biggest sense of relief ever. Then I would say to myself: "Wow! That wasn't bad. I can't believe I've spent a whole week (or more) worrying." One day at a time. That's how I have to approach life. I let myself worry too much. I feed my body and mind unnecessary worry and anxiety. I shouldn't do that.

So, for PE, I'm telling myself that it will end. It's 3 hours a week. I should survive that. How could I not. It'll be touch and go as to whether or not I go to parks. I'm leaning toward not going. Only because I'm lazy, and I don't want to cause anyone trouble.

Another big development is that I've decided I wanted to start up D again. This is totally radical for me. It's been 4 years since I last stopped. I want to say it, but I'm afraid of the initially reaction. I think it would be positive or a relief more likely. I don't care how it's done; I just hope to complete it.

Wow. Big developments in my life.