I miss this place

Wow. Having read through these posts, it feels like it's someone else writing it.

What a relic. It's a sign of my past. I used to have so much fun here. I spent a lot of time thinking of new things I wanted to write about. Then editing and rewriting it a thousand times before I dared post anything. Even deleting it because somehow I thought it gave a way too much.

Some things have not changed, much to my regret. Hm.

Cream Cheese

I am convinced that cream cheese makes everything worth it.

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It's me trying to talk myself into breaking my fear

I'm scared. Plain and simple. As long as I'm in my room I can remain protected and safe. Nothing can harm me. I know my way around this room. I put it together. But get me thinking about what happens once I leave that room, and you'll have my heart racing. I'm not built to deal with the outside world. So I can to struggle every time I'm out there. It's been a learning experience to fight my way through every chance I get.

I know I'm capable of so much more. I know that. I keep telling myself this. But I have yet to prove it. I keep rationalizing that I can do that if I wanted to. But I haven't done the if yet.

I don't know why I just don't break out and gave myself a chance. I should do it. It’s not out of my reach. It's never out of my reach, but I never reach that high.

I don't know. I just don't know.

You know what. I'm just going to do it. (Ok, this statement is usually followed by, "I'll do it later. Let me think about it for a while.") See, I'm backing out already. I think too much. That's another one of my problems. If I didn't rationalize so much, then I wouldn't worry so much.

I really want to do this, but I'm still faced with the fear. It's all about fear. I need to get over this hump. If I can just get over it, then it will do tons for my confidence. Then there isn't anything I can't do. Then I could go away for a while and not spend so much time in my room.

I would get to live a little. It's never too late to do that, right?

Love me, Internet

I hate that whenever I'm unhappy I always buy something on the Internet to make me feel better. Is this really my life?

Amazon and Ebay are my best friends now. I have a long wish list and whenever I'm pissed, I always search through it for things I want to buy. By spending money, I'm getting rid of all that self-hate and guilt. Too bad it only works for a while, then I get buyers guilt and hate myself for spending money. Oh, the cycle!

I don't want the Internet to be the one place where I can find solace, but a lot of times it feels like it. If the Internet were to vanish tomorrow, I'd curl up and die.

Don't worry, I'll cheer up in a bit and regret that I've posted such a revealing post that makes me look weak. It's the way my life rolls.

Fallout

All that initial angry has faded a bit. Now comes the fallout. It takes so much energy to be angry like that. For her, she's just like that, so it's no big deal to be the biggest bitch she could muster at that moment.

At the end of it, all the talking will be no use. You can't make someone who is intrinsically rude and uncaring into a compassionate soul. I don't think it's possible. I'm tired of expecting that and being disappointed.

I just have to get over it, again. I'm almost all the way done with her, and I'm starting to feel like I'm half way done with this family. It's too much to consistently try to get over it.

I hate that her behavior is consistently rewarded. I'm not expecting harsh punishment because I know that won't work. I've bitten my tongue so many times I could drown in all that blood. I know that I find her whole existence irritating, but it's not like I try to find the tiniest things to hate about her. Her behavior speaks for itself. She constantly does things that could in an instant being categorized as rude. I don't think my expectations are that high. I've definitely lowered it.

I guess I'm being incoherent in this post because I don't know what to do or expect. I'm hitting a dead end. Short of leaving and declaring them all dead to me, all I can hope for is some common sense gets injected into her evil soul, but I can't count on that working out either.

I was so angry. Furious. I don’t know if it had any effect other than to make me feel more hopeless. It certainly wasn’t a huge concern for anyone else. I guess I need to start working on “How do I become a cold, heartless bitch” scenario more quickly.

I realize that no one will care about my own feelings as much as me. And I have to learn how to defend it more. I’ve got to look out for my own skin.

All I can do is to keep my head down, my mouth shut (again), and my bitchiness up (a notch).

How do I become a cold, heartless bitch?

In order to survive the roller coaster of emotions that defines my life, I've realized that the only way to get through this is to abandon all hope and compassion, and turn into one selfish bitch. Being nice and friendly and caring hasn't worked out so well. Being overly sensitive will get you burned enough times to say, “Here’s to you, Stupid!”

Anger

I was so angry for most of my life and that anger was concentrated in my early years. I directed my anger at people that stood in my way. It was fierce and blameful. Now that anger had subsided a bit. I'm wondering why? Is it because I’ve just grown out of it? But my condition hasn't improved. I'm still lacking the very thing that I want. Maybe I've disassociated myself from the cause of my anger. I feel like I'm one step closer to that elusive goal.

Which is it? I've spent so many years during the most turbulent time being so angry and depressed about my lot in life. I can't imagine all that angry has gone away so quietly. Maybe it’s turn into hope and contentment.

We shall see.

Ppl + earpiece + cellphones = one crazy person

I hate that. I get it in a car or something although you should really drive either, but still it creeps me out. Not so much creepy but gives the air of self-important. And people who tend to do that talk really aloud like they are yelling at air. You turn around to look at them, and they give you this “what? Why ya looking at me? Got a problem? Mind your own business” look. Well, it's hard to do that when you're airing your business in a public place. I do admire them for being able to do 2 things at once. I have process in my development to be able to walk and talk on the phone at the same time and accomplish both successfully, sufficiently, satisfyingly. Like I can’t walk and tried to read and walk in a straight line either. Perhaps I'll try that next. And I also can't walk without tripping over/on my own foot either.

All the things I can't do. The gift of talking and walking at the same time.

college sucks ass

I thought I was one of those people who love learning for the sake of learning. Who crave knowledge and thrive off of wisdom.

Factor in all the other associated things (grades, peer pressure, my extreme shyness, grades, my intense social anxiety, grades, interaction with other human being whom I don't know well, professors who know everything and are responsible for grading me, the whole college myth about it being an institution of learning -- higher learning), and I'm HATING college. Right now, I hope to God (please, God) let me get through my last 2/3 years of college. Let me sustain an ounce of dignity, compassion, joy, and peace after my college years are over.

I can't believe people choose to go to graduate school. I think I'd like to go overseas for graduate school. A change of pace is what I need. But I'm hoping that it is way off in the distance somewhere, somewhere far away, so I don't have to think about it for a long time.

Ok, back to college. There's nothing wrong with college. Way back in middle school, I told my father I really don't want to go to HS and/or college. Boy, those were the days. I can't believe people have fun in college, like people party, getting their asses drunk, and flunk out. Those are my kind of people, except for attending parties, drunkenness, and flunking out. I mean you can aim for the lowest possible goal can achieve it with great swiftness.

I'd love to aim for the easiest path in life. And in many ways, I am doing just that. I know better. I know I should risk more. But I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not willing to risk it. Maybe there will come a time when I'm willing to let go of my anxieties, self-doubt, and fear. When that happens, I believe I can achieve more than I ever thought possible. Wow. I wish that day would come soon. Really, I'm struggling to get through this period in my life, and I'm winging every moment of it.

I'm not sure how I'll be by the end of this semester. I'd probably have many ups and a whole bunch of downs. I hope to document them and breath a sign of relief once it's over.

a low

I'm experiencing a low. Severe low. I'm terrified. All this unhappiness and stuffiness. Sometimes, I don't know how I deal with it all. I'm glad I live with my heads in the cloud most of the time, and denial sets in quick enough for me to forget about it...for a while.

I don’t want to be like this. I would change it all. I would trade it all in. Lucky the net has become my outside world. I can't believe I let myself get away with it. Sometimes I feel physically suffocated. My brain is flooded with regrets...and misgivings. I'm bombarded by past mistakes.

Spilling Milk

Spilling milk. That’s what I need to do. That’s what it needs to be like. I have a difficult time expressing my words, so maybe I need to latch on to the idea that it's no harder than spilling milk. I mean, when you spill milk, it splatters everywhere. Plus it leaves that milky... spilled milk smell...(I don't know). Spilled milk...if it were only that easy. Maybe I could hold a glass of milk every time I want to say something important, and just when I'm about to say it, I'll spill the milk at the same time I spurt out what I want. Maybe that will work. It might make the transition easier. And because everyone will be busy cleaning up the spilled milk, they might not hear what I told them. This is an experiment waiting to happen...

Reflecting on Reflection

This is a great time of reflection for me. And because I'm a thinker and not a doer, I'm probably over reflecting. It can be bad -- over reflecting. Can't ever let go. Constantly worrying over decisions made -- did I make the right one? And if not, can I fix it? How can I fix it? How do I know it's the right decision? A person in constant reflection can be overwhelmed. Feeling like there's no way out. Left or right. Left or right? I’m sick of my indecisiveness. Sick of thinking about what I want of my future. Sick of questioning whether I'm doing enough to achieve my goals.

I need divine intervention. At least, I need divine inspiration. I need a guide. A force that will point and prod when I'm not doing enough. Someone who will show me the way.

keeping it in

What is with my inability to speak up, to talk back, and to say what matters to me? I can't do any of those things effectively, let alone properly.

Is it due to too much thinking and analyzing and less of the hard work, which is the actually doing rather than the thinking, I just mentioned?

Instead of saying what I want when I should say it, I keep it to myself, thinking it over and over again, until I 'm paralyzed with "self-doubt," as Seth (from The O.C.) would say. I get confused and don't know where to go. By the time I'm ready to say it, I find it harder to bring it up and say something that needed to be said ages ago. Now it's like old, stinky news. The longer I wait, the harder and more agonizing it becomes to bring myself to spurt out those words.

I have tons of long conversations, phrases, answers that I need to get out. They have been replaying in my head, looping and repeating itself over and over again until I find some way to let it out.

It's all about courage to say what you want and what you believe. Sometimes I regret a word or a phrase or an answer I gave. It's too hard to know what I should say and how to say it. I freeze every time I'm on the verge of speaking up, and I just have to look down or away knowing that I let a honest moment slip by. I don't know when that moment will return. But in the mean time, the moment keeps repaying in my head, waiting for the perfect, honest moment to spring forward and release itself from my mind.

looking foward

I'd like to come to a point in my life where I can make decisions and live with them. I can be happy about it. I want to look forward to it.

Instead, I'm filled with indecisiveness and second-guessing. When I become excited about something, I inevitably always find fault with it. I franticly worry about it, and I regret the decision.

I’m torn. I don't know what to do? Do I continue onward, confident that I'm just freaking myself out for no reason what so ever, or do I succumb to the fear? Do I venture into the unknown and experience a little of something outside of life in my own room or do I choose something that is safe and close to home?

A dilemma I haven't figure out yet. All this causes is delay. Delay in my plans and in my plans for life. I'm stuck in the same place I've always been in for a really long time now. I can't help but think that if I don't take a leap forward, I might not venture out very far in life. I'm content to stay close to home, to the safety and security of my room, but then I'll never know. I'll never know if living somewhere else, locating to another place might just be what I need.

How do I decide? I'm intimated. I'm worried. I'm lonely. I'd like to be excited for something. I want something to look forward to, but I don't know what it will be, and in what form will it take. I'm looking ahead at two directions, and I can't decide which way to go.

I know what I want to do emotionally, but my rationality won't let me go without a fight. I'd rather stay close, but it feels like I’m choosing the lesser of the two. I fee like I have something to prove, and I need to prove it by leaving my sanctuary to join a whole new community.

Time is close to running out. And I haven't done a thing to further figure out which way I want to head. I still have a little time, but I'm living on a knife's edge here. I can't afford to be complacent anymore. Every time I make I decision, I reverse myself.

I know I'm scared. The feel-it-in-your-gut fear. I'm angry at my indecisiveness more than anything else. I let my fears talk me out of every decision I've made, and I end up not making much progress.

I'm one step away from solitary confinement. That's what I have done to myself. I'm stuck in my room all the time. I'm on the computer mostly with the TV blaring in the background and an occasional blast from the radio. That has been my life for a good long time. I'm let myself become this. And I hate it. But fear takes over, and stops me from leaving. And I'm stuck yet again with only fleeting memories of goals that I had looked forward to accomplishing.

Stuck

I'm lost. I'm stuck in a bubble I don't know how to get out of. I don't want to leave. Not now. Not ever. I don't know what to do or think or feel. I want a redo. I want to stop it while I could. Things would have been different if I had. I wouldn't have felt weakened and despair and utter frustration at being unable to control a situation I was in charge of. None of these things had to happen if only I would have just say said something. Been strong. Taken charge. Said what I felt. Said it sooner. It wasn't a big deal. Not a big deal. But now the inevitable looms ahead and I don't have any answers. None. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to go through with it. Why did I get myself in this situation. Why didn't I do want I was going to do. That time in the library when I decided on what I wanted to do. When I had already made up my mind. I should have done it in the car. It was the perfect time. Perfect Timing. Is there such a thing. I could have spared myself months of suffering, of uncertainty. But I didn't. And here we are. What to do now. Now that's happened. Continue down the same path. Or what? What is that path. What is the same path that I could continue down? What is anything anymore. What is it...

President Bush's Major Speech on the war on Terror

I'm not stupid. When the networks announced that President Bush was about to deliver a major speech on the war on terror, I knew that it wasn't going to just be a speech on the war on terror. You can't have a major policy speech and a campaign speech at the same time. You can't do that on a campaign stop. You can't do that at a campaign rally. (That is all that is being done.) Call it for what it is: A campaign speech to try to get you reelected.

It can't be a major War on Terror speech when you are thanking the people that are introducing you or others who have supported you or have people cheer for something they liked that you say or boo against a mention of your "opponent." And you definitely know that it's not a major speech regarding the War on Terror when Bush mentions "my opponent." And now all President Bush is doing is attacking John Kerry. How can THAT be a major speech regarding the war on Terror? Shame on you, President Bush. Shame on the networks for airing his speech.

The thing is that I really wanted to know about progress or lack of progress on the War on Terror from our President. But that's not what I got. And I don't think this is the first time that it has happened either.

September 11

I look back and one thing stands clear. In the morning of September 11, I had no idea what was happening. I had class at 8 a.m., which was an hour earlier than most students. For that hour, our class had no idea what was happening outside our classroom. When I walked out of my precal class, I still didn't know that terrorist had attacked. It was only when I entered my next class and people around me were saying, "Did you hear that they closed down the airports” I was confused and asked what was going on. Their reaction was, "you don't know?" "No," I said, "I was just in class." A classmate then told me that an airplane had flown into the Twin Towers. The whole class was talking about it. The rest of the class and the school day was spent watching the news and wondering what was happening to our country.

What will always stand out was that it was a normal day for me. I had precal in the morning, followed by econ. Those were the things that I concerned myself with. What was more striking to me was that while airplanes where being flown into the Twin Towers, I was busing with schoolwork. And even when I walked with my friends to econ, I still didn't know. When I entered the classroom, I still didn't know. It was only after I sat down, got all my stuff prepared to begin class that I found out. Even then, it was all confusing. It wasn't until I saw images in TV that I realize what was happening to the country.

It's been three years, and in that short time, so many things have changed because of 9/11. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. In Iraq, US troops' deaths have reached 1000, and it doesn't show any signs of slowing down.

A couple of days ago, a car bomb went off at the Australian embassy in Jakarta, and it seems that groups related to al Qaeda are to blame. Terrorists are bolder than I remember them ever being. It doesn't seem that these bombings will let up.

The Middle East still rages with violence, and I don't see a time when two groups of being who have lost so much already will ever be at peace with one another.

I could go on and on and on.

I remember growing up and thinking that the idea of hoping for World Peace was cheesy and a throw back to the hippies’ era, but those two words are on my mind right now.

I miss my Barbies

I'm feeling nostalgic about my Barbies. I no longer have them. I outgrew them ages ago, but my parents kept them to give to my sister, who turns out is more of a tomboy than a girlie girl, so it was left untouched. It got move around a lot. My parents tried to find places to put it now that no one in our house no longer played with it.

I had loads of stuff for my Barbie. From a make shift house of cardboard, to bathroom sets complete with real running water, bedroom sets, desk sets, and tons of clothing fit for celebrities along with Emelda Marcos like collection of shoes. I was never more excited to see new accessories that I could add to my Barbie collection. My favorite aisle in the toy store was where pink greeted me.

It’s true that I outgrew my Barbies. But I’m a rat pack. I hate to throw things away no matter how useless they are to me know, how broken they are, or how unfixable they are. It didn't matter. I always thought I maybe I would want to play with them again. My possessiveness extends to all my belongings. Even though I've learnt to let out of my Barbies and other toys of childhood, I still had a certain attachment to them. I argued that nobody would care for my toys like I did. Nobody could love and nurture it like I had done for so long. Therefore, I had sole ownership no matter who owned it now.

A couple of months ago, my mom decided to give my Barbies to my cousins. I felt letdown by the decision when my possessiveness took over, and for a moment, I hated the idea of giving away something that I had for so long. She had every right to because I didn’t play with them anymore. Still, it hurt that I they won’t belong to me anymore. It hurt that my cousins won't know how much, and to what lengths, I would play with my Barbies. How I hated that someone else might now know how much I had cared for my toys or how much fun I had playing with them. They had never known that, and they can't appreciate my Barbies worth to me. I didn't want my Barbies to be just another toy to them. They meant so much to me, and I hoped that my Barbies means as much as to them as my Barbies were to me. My Barbies were like second friends to me. When I had girls come over, that's the main attraction. I had a whole bunch of Barbies we could play with.

Barbies were my friends. They became a connection back to my childhood. A place I think about often. (Usually, I think about how my inexperience with the world is astounding to me, now at 20.) It’s hard to finally cut that away from your life. My Barbies are gone; they are off to live in another countries, in another girl's life.

the useless pundit

“A source of opinion; a critic: a political pundit.” [from dictionary.com]

I am the useless pundit. I'm the pundit of the useless, mundane, and trivial things in life. I don't know if I even qualify to be a pundit. There are several definitions for a pundit, none of which I belong in.

However, because my blog is a mess of my crap, insecurities, and oddities, I think I at least deserve to be termed a useless pundit. Hey. I write about everyday stuff. You know. Stuff that normal, every day people can relate to. I, in some minuscule way, speak for the normal, everyday people who take out their trash and their recycle bin.

That should be my tagline for my blog: The Useless Pundit. At your service.

Spider-Man II & The Whitening of Thailand

I went to see Spider-Man II yesterday. Pretty cool. Went to see it at Major Cineplex. With money in Thailand, you can live like a king. The Major Cineplex has Greek/Roman Columns on the front. Inside, it's decorated like a palace with lighting, carpets, and other details. Also, you can select your own seats. They have a computer screen that shows you a layout of the theatre and the seat positions, and you are able to tell them what seats you want. That's pretty cool. No having to arrive early to wait in line, so you don't get stuck in the front of the screen like at Cinemark. It was incredibly fancy, and I loved it.

Tickets cost 120B each.

I watched the soundtrack version. I guess the movie was all right. I enjoyed it. But I'm incredibly excited at the 3rd movie because I'd really like to see what happens between Spider-Man and James Franco's character. I think they did a great job setting up the storyline for the 3rd movie.

***I've decided I'm going to do a little project called the Whitening of Thailand. Basically, it's going to be about how Thai society, culture, and people are moving from their Asian roots to Western lifestyle.

One of the most common examples of Thais shifting values is through changing physical details. There are more nose jobs than ever before. Celebs aren't the only ones undergoing the procedure. Common people with money also want a higher ridge for their noses. In Thailand, mixed children are the rage, especially those who look European i.e. light skinned, high nose. Because of their popularity, many cosmetics companies sell their productions with words/promises like/of "whitening," "lightening" etc...

Thai people are beginning to dress more provactively than ever before, especially Thai actress/singers who wear low cut dresses/shirts/jeans. English names for Thai children are on the rise. Also, more and more bands have English names.

From the Western perspective, this is nothing new. But, in Thailand, still a conservative country compared to the West, this trend is damaging the core, traditional values that Thais have long held.

White has become the new major word in Thailand.

I see it as a contradiction, and also inevitable result of Thailand's past. Thailand has prided itself on being the only South East Asian country not to have been conquered by a foreign country. It was able to retain its independence at a time when foreign, mainly European, countries were conquering its neighbors.

So its culture has been slowly blending with the West, but is far behind other countries who had European conquers (I haven't found the right word yet). Now that East is discovering West more and more, there's an explosion of the West's influence over Thailand.

That's just some of my incomplete thought on that. When I'm more organize, I'll try to get more in-depth with my project.

Random snippets:
-- I heard Nelly's Ride Wit Me during a segment on a plant market.
-- Saw a bit of Blair Witch II. Eww. Didn't get it in English, and hated in Thai.
-- There's a cool game show called Game To-Si-Gun. If contestants are able to guess 10 straight faces, made up of Thai and international people, both past and present, they will get 10 million B.