Nothing

Nothing in my life thus far has prepared me for this moment. Nothing. It's not a baby step. It's a huge giant leap that I'm not sure I'm prepared for.

Ideally, I would end up there like on TV college experiences. Realistically, I'm lost. Again, nothing in my life has prepared me for this moment. I'm worried, concerned. I don't know what to feel, how to feel. I don't know what emotions are the right ones. I'm very torn.

I went from being confused about a career to being torn about college. I don't want to feel any less for staying at home. There's a stigma attached to it. All about moving out and being independent. I'm used to being with them. I've lived my whole life like that. We travel together.

I don't know if I'm making this more than what it is, but it's testing me. Testing my nerve and strength and fear. I just need to decide what I want to do. It's easy for me to decide something, but I have to live with that for a long time. What about housing and transportation? Did he have it right the first time? He assumed it. Maybe there's more wisdom in that than I thought.

I’m very torn and confused and it's eating away at me. I'm trying to see all possibilities, but I’m too emotional and caught up in the moment. Is that what it is, being caught up in the moment? Which moment am I on? Staying or leaving?

I hear and see so many people choosing to stay. I took the decision based on academics only. Never considered the others. Thought it would all fit in to place. Am I making a big deal out of this? Am I settling for something less?

French was the breaking point because it made me realize that I didn't think it through enough. Something about me having to be in that classroom completely freaked me out. I don't have the patience or the wanting to do something like that. Yea, I'll get to learn French, but I'll hate it. I would rather settle for something less. I'm lazy. I'm the one who's wasting my life away, so why did I expect anything less from me.

(Written around week of April 26)