oh, bad feelings coming on again

I'm dreading moving on campus rather than welcoming the opportunity. I don't know why. I'm having extreme swings of emotions about it. I just want it out of the way. I'm looking forward to graduating college rather than gain anything out of it.

Sometimes I think I need to go. It's the best option, but I'm not ready. I could go and try to make the best out of it, but I’ve been known to isolate myself, and I think that will work against me.

I just have a really negative view of how people will perceive me. I think everyone thinks I'm just not worth it. I have to gain some confidence. I really do. French anxiety made everything worse. I can't let one class or 4 of them get me down.

I also wish I could come home as often as I wanted to, and I'm sure in the beginning I can, but it's hard thinking about not being here. I've never done this before. Everyone else is excited and I'm scared like hell at the prospect.

But writing my feelings down like I'm doing now seems to help calm me down and put everything in perspective. It seems I get a rush of emotion at certain times that causes the anxiety mini attacks that make me dread going. It's not leaving home that scary, it's going to an unknown, foreign, alien place where I'll be with my peers.

I had to make a decision. It seems that everyone is making plans without me already, which is usually and I'm not complaining, but it makes my idea of taking a semester off really hard to do. I just don't want to mess that up. See. This is what happens when I don't communicate. No one will ever know. If I had said something then, things might be different.

I might not feel this way. Really scared, anxious. It seemed really fun when I took the tour, but reality is beginning to set in.

I don't like the idea of me saying I live there now. That's the scary part. I want to transport my room there. I could do anything knowing that I could always come back home. But that's not going to be the case anymore.

I still have a while to go, but getting my application in for housing has brought back the memories of earlier when I freaked out. I’m slowly coming to terms with the future. I'm now thinking about when I get to tell people what I majored in college. I'm excited by that prospect because when I visit other blogs and people list where they went to college and what they majored in, I'm really excited by the fact that I can tell them the same ting. I can put that credential on my blog as well. Hopefully, in 2-3 years time.

Ok, I’m sort of calm now. Not so bad anymore. I have no idea how other people are doing it. How can they leave home? And some people travel so far, especially international students. I have no idea how they do it. I'm moving an hour away, and it's the biggest decision of my life. I'm continually worried about it. I wish I realize that I worry myself to death on many occasions, and I'm hoping that this is just one of those things that will turn out better than I hope.

Please let it be so. I hope the next 2-3 years are not as bad as I hoped it would be. Who knows, I might enjoy a few moments then and there.

But my biggest concern is making fiends. I choose this college because of the possibility of majoring in IS, but now I'm not sure I want to do that. I mean, I'm so much more passionate about H than that. I've looked through the course guide, and maybe it's all right. I would pick that, but history is really coming on strong, and because of that, I don't know if I want to take this. I really don't.

I think I'll choose the safer route and stick with history. I'm getting way too ambitious for my own good. So I think I'll stick with History major with minor in IS. That sounds good, and I think I'll be able to handle that.

I mean when I talk about classes with the exception of French, which I don't really mind except I'll have to take it for so long, that's the bummer part. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy my school year at all. Ok, when I talk about what degree I want, I'm sort of excited by the prospect. But when it comes to the living situation, I despise it for being so far away. I just wish they had started on the second campus sooner, so I could go there instead.

5/21