the looking glass experience: realizing something about yourself

I realized that no matter what I say, they’ll never believe me…not truly because they think I come from a place of hate and anger…that I’m biased because I have such great hate and animosity for her. They won't believe me because I can’t be speaking the truth when I’m so angry with her. I always have been. I now, in this moment, realized that they have never really believed me. How can I say such nasty things about someone they love so dearly? The perfect child. I’ve never believed in it. I’ve never seen her in any other way. There’s no truth to what I say because I’m biased. I hate her too much to be saying anything with truth in it. I’ve always maintained this attitude, and it hasn’t changed. Except I’ve grown angrier because I see it more, and it’s getting worse and worse.

I resolve a couple of years ago to stop caring. Stop caring so much because you’re beating yourself up over something that will give you no reward in return. I tried to tell them. To vent my anger and frustration, but I was always met with resistance. I never knew why they didn’t believe my story. Why they can’t see things my way or see what it’s like? It’s because they don’t believe me. They don’t want to believe that what I have to say might be true. That I’m not always doing this out of spite. I care so much that I’m worrying myself to death. It’s slowly killing me emotionally. I’m so angry that they never understood her power. They always dismissed it and dismissed me as a result. They didn’t want to hear it anymore. It’s always just catty fighting that they wanted us to resolve. When I made that goal, it was a hard choice. To stop completely caring about someone. I told myself that they don’t care, so why should I? Very immature and baby-like, but I got to the point where I couldn’t and wouldn’t take it anymore. I was being crushed. I was being trampled. Crushed. Depleted. Ignored. I told myself to take a deep breath and let it go. Let it go. Let it go. It’s a coward’s way out, and I choose it.

I’m still stunned about them not believing me. I thought they cared. That’s why I went to them. It’s so hard for me to be frank and open with someone, but the few times that I did got to them, that was a hard choice to make. I can’t believe my foolishness. I remember him telling me that he could always talk to me about it. I would be his ears and eyes. That he believed that it wouldn’t last forever. That it was a phase. I didn’t believe it for one second. But you can’t make someone believe something they don’t want to hear. Maybe it’s my fault. I’ve been burned too many times before. There’s little spirit left to fight it. Why bother when I’m loosing so badly. I won’t back down from my claim. These feelings I’ve felt can’t be all from my head. I’m not strong, and I concede that. Maybe that’s part of the feelings—that I’ve let her trample on me and have chosen to take the high road and remain silent. Now, that’s a big part of it. But I’ve vowed to be more assertive, and I have, but I’ve been dismissed as reverting back to my old angry self who has no credibility. This is a problem that will always remain. I want to be rid of it. I need to find a way for me not to feel like shit everyday. I’m feeling slightly better after venting, but the problem’s still there…

(written around April 2)