keeping it in

What is with my inability to speak up, to talk back, and to say what matters to me? I can't do any of those things effectively, let alone properly.

Is it due to too much thinking and analyzing and less of the hard work, which is the actually doing rather than the thinking, I just mentioned?

Instead of saying what I want when I should say it, I keep it to myself, thinking it over and over again, until I 'm paralyzed with "self-doubt," as Seth (from The O.C.) would say. I get confused and don't know where to go. By the time I'm ready to say it, I find it harder to bring it up and say something that needed to be said ages ago. Now it's like old, stinky news. The longer I wait, the harder and more agonizing it becomes to bring myself to spurt out those words.

I have tons of long conversations, phrases, answers that I need to get out. They have been replaying in my head, looping and repeating itself over and over again until I find some way to let it out.

It's all about courage to say what you want and what you believe. Sometimes I regret a word or a phrase or an answer I gave. It's too hard to know what I should say and how to say it. I freeze every time I'm on the verge of speaking up, and I just have to look down or away knowing that I let a honest moment slip by. I don't know when that moment will return. But in the mean time, the moment keeps repaying in my head, waiting for the perfect, honest moment to spring forward and release itself from my mind.