looking foward

I'd like to come to a point in my life where I can make decisions and live with them. I can be happy about it. I want to look forward to it.

Instead, I'm filled with indecisiveness and second-guessing. When I become excited about something, I inevitably always find fault with it. I franticly worry about it, and I regret the decision.

I’m torn. I don't know what to do? Do I continue onward, confident that I'm just freaking myself out for no reason what so ever, or do I succumb to the fear? Do I venture into the unknown and experience a little of something outside of life in my own room or do I choose something that is safe and close to home?

A dilemma I haven't figure out yet. All this causes is delay. Delay in my plans and in my plans for life. I'm stuck in the same place I've always been in for a really long time now. I can't help but think that if I don't take a leap forward, I might not venture out very far in life. I'm content to stay close to home, to the safety and security of my room, but then I'll never know. I'll never know if living somewhere else, locating to another place might just be what I need.

How do I decide? I'm intimated. I'm worried. I'm lonely. I'd like to be excited for something. I want something to look forward to, but I don't know what it will be, and in what form will it take. I'm looking ahead at two directions, and I can't decide which way to go.

I know what I want to do emotionally, but my rationality won't let me go without a fight. I'd rather stay close, but it feels like I’m choosing the lesser of the two. I fee like I have something to prove, and I need to prove it by leaving my sanctuary to join a whole new community.

Time is close to running out. And I haven't done a thing to further figure out which way I want to head. I still have a little time, but I'm living on a knife's edge here. I can't afford to be complacent anymore. Every time I make I decision, I reverse myself.

I know I'm scared. The feel-it-in-your-gut fear. I'm angry at my indecisiveness more than anything else. I let my fears talk me out of every decision I've made, and I end up not making much progress.

I'm one step away from solitary confinement. That's what I have done to myself. I'm stuck in my room all the time. I'm on the computer mostly with the TV blaring in the background and an occasional blast from the radio. That has been my life for a good long time. I'm let myself become this. And I hate it. But fear takes over, and stops me from leaving. And I'm stuck yet again with only fleeting memories of goals that I had looked forward to accomplishing.