college sucks ass

I thought I was one of those people who love learning for the sake of learning. Who crave knowledge and thrive off of wisdom.

Factor in all the other associated things (grades, peer pressure, my extreme shyness, grades, my intense social anxiety, grades, interaction with other human being whom I don't know well, professors who know everything and are responsible for grading me, the whole college myth about it being an institution of learning -- higher learning), and I'm HATING college. Right now, I hope to God (please, God) let me get through my last 2/3 years of college. Let me sustain an ounce of dignity, compassion, joy, and peace after my college years are over.

I can't believe people choose to go to graduate school. I think I'd like to go overseas for graduate school. A change of pace is what I need. But I'm hoping that it is way off in the distance somewhere, somewhere far away, so I don't have to think about it for a long time.

Ok, back to college. There's nothing wrong with college. Way back in middle school, I told my father I really don't want to go to HS and/or college. Boy, those were the days. I can't believe people have fun in college, like people party, getting their asses drunk, and flunk out. Those are my kind of people, except for attending parties, drunkenness, and flunking out. I mean you can aim for the lowest possible goal can achieve it with great swiftness.

I'd love to aim for the easiest path in life. And in many ways, I am doing just that. I know better. I know I should risk more. But I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not willing to risk it. Maybe there will come a time when I'm willing to let go of my anxieties, self-doubt, and fear. When that happens, I believe I can achieve more than I ever thought possible. Wow. I wish that day would come soon. Really, I'm struggling to get through this period in my life, and I'm winging every moment of it.

I'm not sure how I'll be by the end of this semester. I'd probably have many ups and a whole bunch of downs. I hope to document them and breath a sign of relief once it's over.