i hate it; i feel like crap

First day of class. You know how well those things usually go. I hated it. I have such low self-esteem. I'm freaked out about introducing my self and finding friends. I want to quit/withdraw from W&F. I hate it. But I need it to complete my AA. I don't have to have it to transfer, but that's the only thing I need to complete the degree assuming I don't drop anything else. I have the option of taking during maymester, but I don't want Thailand plans being derailed or delayed by my having to take W&F again. Oh, what have I done.

I think I'll definitely take it later. I just can't handle it right now. I'm concerned with environ sci and can't handle anymore. Plus, I haven't even been to earth sci yet. I hope that at least that will go well. It's once a week, so I hope that is not too bad. It's once a week, right? [crosses fingers] I should have taken it during the winter, but I didn't think things through. Sucks. That's all I can say. Plus, how am I going to tell my parents? Harsh. If I was stronger, I could deal with it. But I'm not. So there ya go.

I wish I had friends. Since leaving HS, I haven't really had friends. I don't know why I don't make friends like everyone else. I see them hanging out with people in between classes. I just go to the library. I just need one friend at the college. That's all. Yvonne's gone now. But even when she was there, I didn't see her at all. Everyone seems to know someone else. I'm like the loner. I hate being that. I really want to reach out, but I'm not good at things like that. Last semester, I had Maryam, so at least I could talk to her. I don't really know anyone in my classes. I always search for someone who looks just like me. A quiet type, but they always seems to have friends too. Maybe not in that same class, but at least outside. I know no one. It hurts when people ask me if I've made any friends in college. Well, you know what? I haven't. I did, but then, next semester, I don't see them anymore. No friends outside of class. Sad.

I guess some people don't care because they have a life outside, but I don't. Everything I have is invested in college and doing well there. Maybe if I get a life, then I'll have some perspective. It's hard to do when I've been in a cocoon my whole life. Hard to want to break out, and even harder to do. Please, give me strength to do this. To finally branch out a little. Even a little. I'm so afraid. Afraid of so many things. I've made great strides by telling myself to take it one day at a time, but it's getting harder. It's like I'm so anxious. I'm so afraid of people in general. That's it. I'm afraid of them because I don't think I'm good enough. I feel so small. Little me. Well, who f-ing cares. Look at me. I've been to two classes, and I'm freaked out already.

Boy, life is going to suck for me.