I didn't tell them

I didn't. The car ride was a perfect time, but I chickened out. I'm still not sure about the decision myself, so I'm thinking maybe I should be clear about it before I approach them.

I need to tell them soon because they are under the assumption that I'm going and I'm working on the whole process.

Are my reasons valid? Am I rational? Am I letting my fear take over?

I don't know, and I don't know who to go to for this. I'm so damn confused. Even more so before this whole thing happened. It complicated things when I already sent in the application. I know I need to make a decision, and soon, and I need to voice my concerns, but what will they think.

I need to branch out. But I don't know if I should try or actually take charge. What about just taking a break for this semester. What about my plans to work and find my way around? Hmm, funny how it sounded so grand in my head, but falls apart in reality.

Maybe I should go talk to my career counselor. I think I might want to do that.

I’m surprisingly calm about this. Maybe it's because I realize that I have an option of staying. It's not out of the picture, is it? I can tell them that, right? They have to expect that from me. How many times have I changed my mine? I like the 2nd option because it puts less pressure on me. I don't need to think about all that extra stuff. Now that I know that I have to room with someone else, I going to have to convince myself that it's the right thing to do.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I think once I figure out all the stuff I needed to do, I became overwhelmed. I don't think I could do it. Maybe if I commuted, then it won't be so bad. But I need a semester off school to do that. But if I don't then I need to ride the bus.

I need to take the next step, and whatever that may be, I need to overcome the fear and proceed. I can't stay like this forever. Oh, what to do. I'm struggling. Bad.

I can fix this, but it'll be up to me to take the initiative. That's not something I've known to do. No, I'm not like that at all.

I don't know how they will react, but I need to decide. I'm really excited about staying, and looking forward to studying there, but am I taking the easy way out. Has denial and repression set in yet? Probably so. When I'm here, I can picture telling them so easily, but when push comes to shove, I fail miserably. Am I cheating myself out of something by choosing to stay?

(Written around week of April 26)