I can't do this anymore

I would be so much happier if I didn't go there. I want to stay here. Gosh, I'm dying here. I don't know what to do. It's so hard when I do this. People go there all the time. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I need to talk to someone about this. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I just wish it weren't so far away.

What to do? I need to tell them how I feel. I can't go through with my plan. Not anymore. I can't have anymore of these anxious feelings. I need to tell them how I feel. I wish I had a closer relationship with them. It would make making life's decisions so much easier.

I just can't or I won't? It's the perpetual question. I don't want to go through all those feelings if I can be happy here. I don't know what's worth it.

I'm waiting till tomorrow to decide. All I need to do is send an application in. I'm getting my transcripts in tomorrow. That should be no problem. I wish I had my own cash supply.

What ever happened to my brilliant idea of taking a semester off? Buried somewhere in a pile of other blog posts I suppose. I'm still considering it, but I feel like it's more of a...filling up my time till I decide decision, and it's not that I want to do that. I feel like I need to be on my own more, and then I'll be able to make a better decision.

Maybe I should go with that. I should have told them then, how easy it would be now. I need to tell them then, but as always, I chickened out.

I don't know how big of an impact me taking time off school would do for me? It would be me running away again. Trying to string out time. I'm just putting off the inevitable if I do that.

I think I've just proven that I'm not ready to go through with this after all. I need more than wanting to take a certain major to convince me to leave. What about classes and friends? I need that more than anything. I don't want to make new friends when I can continue to build with my friends now. I can't take them with me.

I'm struggling to find the right answer. My brain tells me to leave, but my heart tells me to stay. Typical dilemma. I feel extremely stressed. LIke I've let myself down. And other people down too. I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I need to make a decision soon. It's really getting to me.

But I'll feel like the biggest loser if I decide to stay. I'll be a coward, a wimp. I wish people weren't so invested in my life. Gosh, I don't know. I'm dying here. I feel so trapped. Either decision won't be good. I wish I didn't have to make a decision. I need a sign. Pleast let me know what I should do. I need some guidance. Desperately. I need to find an answer.

I'm leaning toward not going. You have no idea how much better I feel when I think that. A load lifted off. I'm actually giddy when I think about the prospect of not having to go there. The only problem is time constraints. I need to decide quickly. Maybe this will be like Pe. If I go, I'll come to enjoy it. I don't know. I'm desperate for an answer. Any answer.

To think that a couple of days ago, I was actually looking forward to going. Now I'm about to turn that all around. I already applied with money involved. I don't want to feel like I wasted it, which I totally did. It was at my instance that it happened. Blame for it. I need to stop being so indecisive and dreaming so big.

I have no idea how this will end. I wish that I had gotten out more. Maybe I'll know now. I'm leading toward not going. I'll be backing out of my promise. The people haven't gotten back to me yet on my questions. Come on, I need to know to make a decision.

Ok, I'm leaning toward not going. Gosh damn. I'm so confused. It's like I'm ghaving moments of revelation exception they're always a couple of days late. Don't you hate that? Always been my problem. I don't realize it until it's too late.

I need a decision I can live with. One that I'll be happy with. Is going away the right choice? Decisions, decisions. It's eating away at my brain. I'm seriously stressed over it.

I was lured in my the idea, the promise of it. I don't think it was rooted in reality. The fact that I can't do it. Why mush I study 4 semesters of French? See how all that ruined it for me? I only wish I had time to think it through. See my quotation above, "Reality continues to ruin my life." That'll tell you a lot about me. I dream so big, but have little to back it up with. Yet, I continue to do so.

Ok, I'm taking a break of this ranting. I need to tell them by fears and concerns. I need to tell them how I can't stand to spend two years studying a subject I vowed I could never take again. I need to tell them. I need to tell them. Maybe if I write it down, that could be easier? I'm bad at communicating. Maybe writing it down could be better. I'm not satisifed with this arrangement, but I think I won't freak out over it.

Ok, again. I'm taking a break, and sleeping on this. Tomorrow, at the end of the day, if I feel like I do know and every few mintues when I think about french, then I need to tell them no. Change of plans. Sorry. In a way, maybe they will be glad because they don't have to pay so much. I doubt fa will give me a lot, but that's something I'm hoping for.

Ok, wait till tomorrow, test the waters, and make a decision. Or present my feelings. I guess I need to test the waters out some more. I really haven't spoken to any of them, so many I should try.

Nah, talking never did me any good. I'll just continue to hold everything in until I burst. SOmeday in the near future, I predict. YOu can watch if you want too.

Ok, agian for the 3rd time, I think. I'm leaving it at that for the moment. Too busy with other stuff. I can wait one more day to see if the answer arrives. OK. Agreed. One more day. I should have come to tell earlier, but you know me, I don't make my life that easy. Then what would I do with pain and suffering?

Anyways, bye for now.

(Written around week of April 26)