life lived with regrets

I'm always kicking myself for things I didn't say or do, so here's my chance to say it, and say it all. I've left many things unsaid. That was me before, and I don't want it to be me again. I have a delayed reaction problem. I always think of great defense or reply but only after someone's done. I've waited too long. The moments gone for me to reply back, and if I did, it would seem out of place. I've been there so many times before. Then I end up getting mad at myself for letting the moment go by without seizing it. Or at least trying to.

Those moments are indicative of my entire life. I've left things go that I should have fought for. I needed to be strong and stand up for myself but that didn't happened. And when it doesn't happen, I get so beaten down. And once your down, if you don't get right back up again quick, you'll be down for a long time. I'm still down. I've never fully recovered.

There are moments that I look back on that defined the person present today. These were moments of pure weakness. They have come to haunt me. I’ll carry that scar with me because I haven't let it healed. I’m not good at letting things go. Never have been. I’ve mentioned it before. I’m always thinking how I’d look to other people. That’s hurt me tremendously. I’m not going to be able to do anything else if I continue to let other people dictate me. And I can't let my fear dictate me into believing those people either. The moments that came to define my childhood are moments that could have gone either way. That could have helped or hurt me. You now know that they hurt me.

They are the kind of moments where your character shows through, and you build a greater self-awareness of what type of person you want to be and allow yourself to be. If I had stood up for myself then, I honestly think I’ll be different. Maybe my situation wouldn't, but at least I’ll have those moments to look back on and to encourage me a little. At least I’ll know I was capable of something great. I didn't let other people discourage me. I did what I wanted without fear. I wasn't silent. I spoke up for me. I wouldn't have let other people form my perception of myself. I came to be defined by what other people thought they knew about me. They thought they had me all figured out. Eventually, I adopted their view of me as my own. I let them control me. I tried so hard to fight that, but then you give up and start to believe in it too.

Then came a time when I vowed I wouldn't let people talk to me that way, not if I didn't deserve it. At least I should be allowed to defend myself. Often, that wasn't the case. I would be so full of anger at not saying the things that I wanted to say in the first place. Afterwards, I'll cry the anger, hurt, pain, frustrations, and a thousand words like it out. Alone, and full of regret at the chance to say things I felt I had a right to say.

Had I said those things earlier, I wouldn't be typing this now. Every little anger, hurt, pain, frustration, and a thousands words like it are still in me. Sure, crying helped. But it only helped ease the pain. It's too late to let the pain out because I'll have to revisit some of my most awkward and embarrassing moments. My only friend has been denial. And fantasy.

I've lived a life of regrets. Full of regrets. Even though I know this, I'm still doing it. It's so hard to change when you don't feel you can. Like, what's the difference? What's the point? It's the internal struggle between the dreamer and the coward in me. Just imagine what I could have done if I had more heart. I want to do a gazillion things, but I don't take initiative. I'm too afraid to fail and even more afraid I'll embarrass myself. I could have really made something of my life. And here I go writing like it's my last days when I'm just about to leave my final teen years behind. But I'm saying this because I don't think it'll get much better than this. I don't see a time in the future when I'll get my act together and build something I can be proud of. The eternal struggle continues...

Written April 7