uncertainty & anticipation

It's time for another change in my life. This one is even scarier than the last. Before I was worried about adolescent things like friends, school etc. Now, I'm still worried about friends and school, but it's the added baggage of adulthood that scares me even more.

It hasn't really struck me that things will once again change. It's feels numb, and I guess I'm denying it till the last possible moment. I'm putting it out of my mind until I have to face it. I've known this place for so long that I'll miss it. Plus, I never got to do all the things I thought I wanted to do. I guess I always thought I had time. It's a very weird, surreal feeling. I don't know what to do or say. I'm apprensive about everything.

When I started here, I thought it would be for the long haul. I never anticipated this. Although I always wanted to move, I've grown accustom to calling this home. This will be test. I've always wanted to break out. Now may be the time I get to do it. It's not as liberating as I thought I'd feel. I'm scared. It's a different situation than the one I faced last. Now I'm regretting the things I should have done to make this easier for me. If I had entered the world sooner, I would be prepared to face this. Instead I've been hiding out for most of my time here. For now, this is my only source of comfort.

I don't think I'm as excited as I wanted to be. I'm going to loose something I never expected to like. This is the 2nd event that's hit me hard. I'm about to suffer an anxiety attack. The best thing for me would be to know what's going to happen, so that I can prepare myself better. I'll at least know what I need to do.

(Written around April 8.)