taking a chance and finding that you could change

It will either affirm my hopes or squash my dreams. It's really either or with me. There's no in between anywhere.

Phew! I think I might have just cleared my latest hurdle. Phew! Again. Gosh, if I had an ounce of courage anywhere in me, I'll be so out there. One fear at a time, right? That's what I'm doing. Taking baby steps.

Hello people of D, be nice to me, please. I'm very sensitive, and I'll crumble inside if you are mean to me.

It’s still a couple of months away, and I hope that time away will give me the perspective and courage I'll need. I'm excited and petrified at the same time.

I feel like I should care, and if follow that logic, and then I need to branch out. I need to find out what's it like out there. I'm incredibly lucky so far. I don't acknowledge enough, and often I suppress it, but I realize how amazing and free of responsibility my life has been.

I've been crying freedom, so maybe this is my chance at it. Who knows how it'll go. I've been surprising positive about the whole thing. I haven't thought about 100 ways things could go wrong, not just yet. I'm holding out on passing judgment. That's surprising. Maybe it's because I subconsciously recognize that opportunity I have. In some ways, I'm looking forward to discovering whether I have some guts. Whether I can endure. Whether I'll float or sink. Whether I’ll be open. Whether I'll be brave. Whether I'll take some chances for once. Whether I could put myself out there and risk being hurt.

One fear at a time.

ETA: Right now, I'm very up and down. Figuring out where I want to live is very frustrating. Even more so than I thought. There's so much that I don't know about what's going to happen. I'm freaking out. Oh, where should I live? I want to live by myself, but maybe that place isn't the right one for me. But if I live with someone else, how will that work out? I've never lived with a complete stranger before. How will they react to me? I'm not very comfortable with living with another person. I have my ways, and I'm very set in them. I'm hoping that I'll meet someone who's pretty easy going. I'm so into my privacy that sharing a room with someone else may be too much.

Living on my own would be fantastic, but I'm cutting myself off from people and that shouldn't be a good start to living away from home. I need to make friends and isolating myself won't help anything. All I need is one friend. That's all. Please let me find just one person I can hang out with, go to for help, and just be a friend. That will alleviate so much of my pain and doubts.

I'm very worried about how people will react to me. I hope I can make friends. Be more social. Not have people think I'm a freak.

There are so many thoughts, uncertainties, and fears popping in my head. I worry too much. I always have. It's a fault. I don't know how to live on my own. I've stumbled through life. How do I expect myself to survive on my own?

What about snacks? What about TV? I'm really worried that I can't keep to my regular TV watching. Trivial, I know, but it's those things that matter.

I'm screwed on two fronts. First is living on my own. Second are academics. I don't know how hard or easy classes will be. I don't know what to expect. I've done well so far. I don't know if they expect a lot of discussions because that's something I'm not good at. At all. I don't know how tough my choice of major will be. I know that I'm expected to study languages, which I also freaking me out. I haven't stepped inside a French classroom in like, 4 years. And I'm supposed to take two years of it again? Um, no, I don't think so. I'll have to learn on to deal with it now, though. Much to my disappointment.

I think I can deal with academics. For now. But the living situation can hurt my learning. I need to feel comfortable, and I don't know if I can if I end up in a strange place. I'm freaking out. Oh, gosh. I need a sign. I need something to tell me I'm doing the right thing.

I'm hopping that I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. That it won't be that bad. That I might actually enjoy it.

I'm telling myself that it won't be that bad. I'll get to come home on holidays or weekends. I'm definitely planning on that. Probably more in the first months. I need to find my groove. I need to know that I can do this. That I'm capable, just like everyone else.

It's so hard picturing myself there, alone and helpless. I'm doubting my decision. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing.