I'm at odds with myself

Seriously, I'm freaking out here. Moving away was harder than I thought. Way harder. I'm trying to reconcile my feelings about it. I'm going to worry myself to death. I'm going to develop an ulcer before I even get there.

I know no one. Not a single soul. Well at least, not anyone close. What's with me and making friends? How come the people that I know I can't take them with me? The majority if not all the people I know now, I'm not going to see anytime soon once I move away.

I'm seriously doubting my decision. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and went with what was most comfortable. But I brought this upon myself. I wanted this. I just didn't know how much I would labor over it. It's been so hard to imagine me anywhere else but in my room at this exact moment on the computer. I secretly wanted to go here, and I got my wish. I just wished that I didn't wish that. I wish I had foresight to see my reluctance to move away now.

There are going to be so many posts about this until I finally arrive there and settle in. Then you'll know whether I survived or cried my brains out. And I'm sure I'll have moments of the latter to look forward to. I plan on coming home often the first months. Not every weekend, but maybe every two weeks or something like that. Depends on how everything goes. Definitely on holidays, my parents can expect to see me.

Still, I'm having so many doubts that it's eating me alive. It sucks that I have to wait so long for my anxiety to go away. I won't know for sure until August, and by then, I'll probably have had a thousand panic attacks.

I'm sitting here in the comforts of my room, thinking about what might be, and just that thoughts have gotten me all worked up. I'm trying to imagine how I'll be when my parents finally leave for home and I'm all alone. The first night has to be so damn lonely. I mean, loneliness and isolation is something I'm very familiar with, so that part, I have got it down. But, I trying to pump myself up, and I'm losing. To spend the night with a complete stranger that you're expected to room with for 9 months is scary.

Gee, I might actually look forward to Fall 2004 if I hadn't gotten ahead of myself, and decided to move away. I could still be here, in my comfy, cozy room that I share with no one. I'll have familiar faces I could run into. Then the only thing I have to look forward to is graduating.

Now, that won't be so. I could still back out, but I'll be such a wimp if I do. I can't imagine that will be good for me. I need to try it out first. And if I hate it, then I'll try to figure something out. One semester won't be that bad, right? Then, I'll see how I like it.

I'm very quick to judge. It's usually against me. I always think that people don't find it interesting and fun to talk too. I already psyched myself out before anything happens. I never portrayed myself as someone other people would want to be friends with. No wonder I'm not a social person. I stick to me only. I always try to find others who I think are on the edge also, and approach them. For some reason, I find that easier. I'm always the outsider trying to fit in.

I need to remember that I'm doing this for me, and not for the thousand other people who I may or may not have contact with. I need to stop comparing me to other people. I need to realize that I'm just as valid and valuable as other people that I think other people might find interesting. Playing the "victim" has gotten me nowhere. It's time for me to realize that I am doing this for me, and I shouldn't put others before me. I can't spend my whole life wanting to be other people. I need to get it into my head that I can't let my perception of other people's success derail my goal. I just want to get through college happy. That's my goal. To have graduated and be satisfied with my achievements.

I can't be afraid of what other people think as long as I still need to get through college. So what if I'm not as tall, or as outgoing or as pretty as the others. If I work hard, and realize that I'm here to get through college just like everyone else, then maybe I might actually survive. I immediately compare me with other people around me. But I can't do that. It's so unhealthy for me self-esteem, which is down to zero. I need to concentrate on why I choose to move away, and less on how everyone might find me boring. If I don't worry about what they think, I could walk away from this experience a better person.

I need to focus on the positives. I always jump to the negatives and critisize me for coming off as a dork. Well, you know what? I need to come off as a dork more often because it shows that I'm unafraid to fail. I need to take more chances. And if at the end of fall semester, I come back in one piece, then I'm sure I can do it again. I shouldn't be afraid of meeting new people.

My inclination is to go potluck. I need to be forced to socialized. Because I also know no one, I need at least one person I know. I'm hoping that she accepts that she'll be rooming with someone who's so afraid to socialize or fail that's it's keeping her from enjoying anything in her life thus far. Roommate will to realize that I'm not one of those girls who are outgoing or free-spirited. I'll probably spend my days in the library, alone and miserable. I'm not a partier. I'm not crazy or wild. I'm shy and reserved. Please realize this and do give me a chance.

I'm getting that dreaded feeling again. 4 months away from home is going to suck. If I don't find a compatible roommate, then things are going further into oblivion. Ok, there are weekends and some holidays in those 4 months, but don't many.

I hope I don't have to do extra classes. I'm sure I will. There are 4 French classes, and another science that I have to do just for the college requirements. Then there are my major requirements. Before, I was thinking about doing a minor, but I may not have the time or energy to do that after 4 French classes. Well, I need 4 because that's how much I'm going to suck at it. Now, if I fail, I'll have to repeat the class until I do pass. So you can see how much fun I'm going to have. I wish I had decided earlier, so that I could have done the French classes sooner. I prefer to have done it here because I think it would be so much easier.

Again, 4 months, if I don't have to stay, which, my first semester, I don't think I want to stay longer. I'll be dying to come home by then. I hope my roommate and I get along.

I'm at odds with myself. I want to go to school there, but I don't want to live there. The mother of all dilemmas. I've already chosen. I've made my bed. I'm going to have to lie in it. Even it I don't want to anymore.

I'm calmer, so I think that's ends my prep talk, for now. I'm not that bad, right? Nah, I don't think so. I'm all right as a person. I just tend to forget that. It's late, and I need to finish other assignments still.