Fallout

All that initial angry has faded a bit. Now comes the fallout. It takes so much energy to be angry like that. For her, she's just like that, so it's no big deal to be the biggest bitch she could muster at that moment.

At the end of it, all the talking will be no use. You can't make someone who is intrinsically rude and uncaring into a compassionate soul. I don't think it's possible. I'm tired of expecting that and being disappointed.

I just have to get over it, again. I'm almost all the way done with her, and I'm starting to feel like I'm half way done with this family. It's too much to consistently try to get over it.

I hate that her behavior is consistently rewarded. I'm not expecting harsh punishment because I know that won't work. I've bitten my tongue so many times I could drown in all that blood. I know that I find her whole existence irritating, but it's not like I try to find the tiniest things to hate about her. Her behavior speaks for itself. She constantly does things that could in an instant being categorized as rude. I don't think my expectations are that high. I've definitely lowered it.

I guess I'm being incoherent in this post because I don't know what to do or expect. I'm hitting a dead end. Short of leaving and declaring them all dead to me, all I can hope for is some common sense gets injected into her evil soul, but I can't count on that working out either.

I was so angry. Furious. I don’t know if it had any effect other than to make me feel more hopeless. It certainly wasn’t a huge concern for anyone else. I guess I need to start working on “How do I become a cold, heartless bitch” scenario more quickly.

I realize that no one will care about my own feelings as much as me. And I have to learn how to defend it more. I’ve got to look out for my own skin.

All I can do is to keep my head down, my mouth shut (again), and my bitchiness up (a notch).